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Author: Rin

we could be heroes just for one day

made a dream for you

it was love with no name, and we glowed in the sun…
and if it’s love with no name, then it’s all in the stars

whether it’s wrong or right,
there’s no-one to blame,
no lies…
what else could we do, living ordinary lives?

in a pastel sunrise

My (extremely toxic and emotionally abusive) ex used to say I reminded them of Tomoyo from Card Captor Sakura, and…there are similarities there, but I never understood, really, how Tomoyo could truly be happy if she had the knowledge that she would never be with Sakura the way she would like to be. The fact that she could be selfless and place Sakura’s happiness as more important than her own, yes. “My greatest happiness is your happiness”, that I had trouble with. I thought, well, isn’t that kind of unhealthy? Sort of a bit…hm, not self-deprecating, but just…indicative of maybe unhealthy passivity, or something.

But I’ve been talking to a certain person who I used to be together with, and, frankly, still love. Both platonically and romantically. I think a certain part of me will forever be in love with this person, for many reasons. We can’t be together, for other reasons, but here’s the thing: that’s fine. It causes me NO pain or heartache whatsoever. It is honestly not even an issue. I am so happy they obviously have a great relationship with their partner. I would be shattered if they broke up.

Their happiness is literally what makes me happiest. Even happier than being with them would be. I do get it, now. And it’s not remotely unhealty — it’s literally one of the healthiest emotions and thought processes I’ve ever had. None of the knowledge of knowing I love this person but can’t be with them makes me sad, because they are happy, and I love them. That makes me happy!

People say Tomoyo is weird and eccentric, and yes, she is, but…she had this figured out at ten years old. She is one wise little cutie.

 

postmodern absurdist art that means nothing

I know I need to update more regularly, but…it’s exhausting and not overmuch has happened. Health is garbage, doctor is dismissive, pain is…way, way more complicated and mental-health-damaging than I thought it ever could be, and disabled people should not be other disabled people’s sole support pillars, but eh, what can you do.

I’ve been making websites, though? 😀 Latest! Because you can’t not love that lady. I hope in the post-revolution world she and Shiori had the sweet little confession scene that they both deserved, because if the end scene is anything to go by…

the words she sings, the tunes she knew

Following on from this…Katsuragi Misato has an embarrasingly large collection of city pop, half of which she was too young to really remember hearing on the radio, but she still loves the lot of it, because it reminds her both that she’s here, now, and she likes to associate it with her less painful childhood memories, even if some tracks were released way before they occurred.

She’s a very complex lady, after all.

She also slowly gets Shinji into it. Nobody can tell me those two didn’t bond over music at some point. Misato zeroed in on the fact that a way to connect with Shin-chan for sure is music like a lion taking down a limping gazelle.

all the ghosts in this heart

So the [purple]-haired girl looks for escapism
To fill the empty spaces she’s feeling
She depends on her music like a husband
And she knows it’s no good to fall in love again…

It’s just the ghost of what you really want
And it’s the ghost of the past that you live in
And it’s the ghost of the future you are frightened of
So you look to your guardian angel…

when I met you, I said my name was Rin

…you looked like someone who would get everythin’

So my stalker touched down on Love Reflection and just…I am so, so tired of this. Our worlds are beyond separate, I have literally NOTHING to do with them past laughing at other people laughing at the overdramatics of a couple of their friends back in March, and I am just…I am f’ing tired. I have enough shite to deal with at the moment without having to put up with some slimy creepy who is flat-out lying about me being in a cult (aaaaaand previously flat-out lied about me being a sexual predator. I f’ing kid you NOT). Just, leave me alone? You go do your unhinged thing wherever you are and I’ll continue to have absolutely nothing to do with your abusive self. I am so sick of going into an automatic panic spiral when I see their bloody IP pop up on my tracker.

Banned them, so I’ll be surprised if they appear again, but that’s not the point.

Urgh, whatever.

Still in pain, nerve pain, no less. Fun stuff, that. BUT. I’ve been migraine-free since last Tuesday, so…good with the bad. Or is it bad with the good? I can’t remember. Neither, both. More stabbity time tomorrow morning. Hopefully my acupuncturist can fix this.

Apropos of close to nothing, the exchange rate is bumming me out horribly, aaaaand I think I’m going to switch back to (bleh) WordPress. HTMLy is nice, but not terribly customisable, layout-wise.

shine on in the technosparkle

I’m not dead, contrary to what some people certainly do wish, I am sure. Just dealing with chronic pain, and with that comes a lack of mental health, and…blah blah blah, second verse, same as the first.

I’m…getting used to it? Knowing when some stuff is too much and when pain is made worse by stress and so on. It still sucks, but it’s made a tiny bit better with a couple of lifehacks and all.

Got some acupuncture (virtually wholly painless; pricking my finger while embroidering is literally more painful) and realignment down yesterday. I’m a little sore today, but…no body aches, so far. Not going to jump the gun and say everything’s fine now, but hey, I’ll take it! I…still have a migraine, though, but I think that’s due to the ever-present sinus infection, and I didn’t get any stabbity death needles for that, so.

In other news…not much. Been coding away; got a couple of projects beneath my belt. Started listening to the audiobook of Brandon Sanderson’s Elantris, quite enjoying that. (Am also listening to the audiobook of The Iron Tower: The Dark Tide by Dennis L. McKiernan, which is…derivative crap, I’ll be honest. But I’m enjoying it, and I’m fond of the main character. …seeing as he’s a Frodo expy, that’s probably not surprising, though.)

Also started playing PokéFarm Q again! I’m here, if you play too ^^ Soothing my anxiety by organising pixellated monsters into groups. Hey, I ain’t lookin’ a gift Ponyta in the mouth…

generic background music plays…

I’m not dead! …to my surprise. It has been a weird four days filled with pain, migraines, blood, pain, coding-from-bed, pain, chocolate, pain, an Eva rewatch in progress, and…I mentioned pain, right? Because there was pain!

(Free to decent home: chronic pain! Like used! If you enjoy headaches and full-body aches you’re not gonna want to let this bargain slip by…)

Finished thisthis, and this! All candidates for shrinage because all three are ladies I love. All my fanlistings have a same-ness to them, at least coding-wise, but I think I’m okay with that? As long as mobile users can view them, that’s what matters. You can’t do as many things on a 360×640 layout as you could on a desktop one, but that doesn’t matter, as long as it’s readable and elegant. Simple doesn’t have to mean dull!

Also giving SeptCity a huge overhaul…still have to tweak a few things here&there, but we’re almost all good for launch! Fingers crossed…