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Month: August 2020

made a dream for you

it was love with no name, and we glowed in the sun…
and if it’s love with no name, then it’s all in the stars

whether it’s wrong or right,
there’s no-one to blame,
no lies…
what else could we do, living ordinary lives?

in a pastel sunrise

My (extremely toxic and emotionally abusive) ex used to say I reminded them of Tomoyo from Card Captor Sakura, and…there are similarities there, but I never understood, really, how Tomoyo could truly be happy if she had the knowledge that she would never be with Sakura the way she would like to be. The fact that she could be selfless and place Sakura’s happiness as more important than her own, yes. “My greatest happiness is your happiness”, that I had trouble with. I thought, well, isn’t that kind of unhealthy? Sort of a bit…hm, not self-deprecating, but just…indicative of maybe unhealthy passivity, or something.

But I’ve been talking to a certain person who I used to be together with, and, frankly, still love. Both platonically and romantically. I think a certain part of me will forever be in love with this person, for many reasons. We can’t be together, for other reasons, but here’s the thing: that’s fine. It causes me NO pain or heartache whatsoever. It is honestly not even an issue. I am so happy they obviously have a great relationship with their partner. I would be shattered if they broke up.

Their happiness is literally what makes me happiest. Even happier than being with them would be. I do get it, now. And it’s not remotely unhealty — it’s literally one of the healthiest emotions and thought processes I’ve ever had. None of the knowledge of knowing I love this person but can’t be with them makes me sad, because they are happy, and I love them. That makes me happy!

People say Tomoyo is weird and eccentric, and yes, she is, but…she had this figured out at ten years old. She is one wise little cutie.


postmodern absurdist art that means nothing

I know I need to update more regularly, but…it’s exhausting and not overmuch has happened. Health is garbage, doctor is dismissive, pain is…way, way more complicated and mental-health-damaging than I thought it ever could be, and disabled people should not be other disabled people’s sole support pillars, but eh, what can you do.

I’ve been making websites, though? 😀 Latest! Because you can’t not love that lady. I hope in the post-revolution world she and Shiori had the sweet little confession scene that they both deserved, because if the end scene is anything to go by…